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[audio] Fit Of Anger Turns Dairy Farmer Into Beef Farmer
Posted: November 20th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
I'm Not One Of Those 'Love Thy Neighbor' Christians
Posted: November 19th, 2008, 11:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
Everybody has this image of "crazy Christians" based on what they hear in the media, but it's just not true. Most Christians are normal, decent... -
If Only Someone Had Written A Song Describing The Bittersweet, Cyclical Nature Of The Father-Son Relationship
Posted: November 19th, 2008, 7:30am EST
Enclosure: [download]
Over the years, music has covered a wide range of human emotions. But one aspect of the human condition that has never been evoked by a single... -
Crocodile Bites Off Bush's Arm
Posted: November 19th, 2008, 7:30am EST
HOMESTEAD, FL—A 14-foot crocodile bit off President Bush's left arm at the shoulder Monday, a White House memo reported. Bush, who was... -
Mark Cuban Sued For Insider Trading
Posted: November 19th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is being sued by the Securities and Exchange Commission for selling his interest in Mamma.com after receiving... -
[audio] Area Father Proves Tree Fort Is Not As Strong As Son Claims
Posted: November 19th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
Thousands Gather For Stuffing Of Giant Rockefeller Center Turkey
Posted: November 18th, 2008, 9:45pm EST
Enclosure: [download]
NEW YORK—"Lines were long but I wanted my son to be there when they peeled back the skin and threw salted butter and grease into the crowd," said Dean Carlson -
History Doomed To Repeat Itself, Reports Man Who Just Dropped Food On Pants
Posted: November 18th, 2008, 10:00am EST
DENVER—After dropping a chili dog in his lap Tuesday, area resident Marcus Nielson addressed the food-related blunder, calling it but... -
Missing Beatles Track Confirmed
Posted: November 18th, 2008, 7:00am EST
In an interview with the BBC, Paul McCartney confirmed the existence of a 14-minute track the Beatles recorded for an electronic music festival. What... -
[audio] Bioengineers Outsmarted By Strain Of Intelligent Wheat
Posted: November 18th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
[video] Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman
Posted: November 17th, 2008, 6:00pm EST
Enclosure: [download]
At a press conference today, the AGU announced it will not even acknowledge Mike Greenman until he begins dressing better and loses some weight. -
Co-Op Casino Robbed Again
Posted: November 17th, 2008, 10:38am EST
ANN ARBOR, MI—The member-owned-and-operated casino known as the Sunshine & Sharing Gaming Cooperative was robbed Tuesday for the fourth time... -
Fraternity In Danger Of Losing House Launches Harebrained Scheme To Fix Economy
Posted: November 17th, 2008, 10:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
DURHAM, NC—The brothers' laugh-a-minute economy-rebuilding plan involves bikini-clad Russian exchange students, the U.S. Senate, and a 50-gallon drum of Crisco. -
Suicide Rate Jumps In White Middle-Aged Population
Posted: November 17th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Between 1999 and 2005, the number of suicides among white middle-aged Americans increased 17 percent. What do you think? -
[audio] Intern Sent To Testify Before Congress For The Experience
Posted: November 17th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
[audio] Area Man Goaded Into Climbing Mt. Everest
Posted: November 16th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
Blistex Executive Makes Fool Of Himself At Lip-Balm Conference
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 9:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Marketing executive Bernard Ganley first humiliated himself Monday morning when he suggested that applicator tips were a thing of the past. -
[audio] New Robot Salesman Practically Sells Itself
Posted: November 15th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision
Posted: November 14th, 2008, 10:00am EST
WASHINGTON—In a landmark decision Monday, the U.S. Supreme Court narrowly ruled to uphold the Bill of Rights, the very tenets upon which... -
Donald Fagen Defends Steely Dan To Friends
Posted: November 14th, 2008, 9:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
NEW YORK—"Do you know how many guitar players tried and failed to nail the solo on the song 'Peg'? Six—That's commitment to a vision if you ask me," Fagen said. -
Potential Employers Check Social Networking Sites
Posted: November 14th, 2008, 7:00am EST
A recent survey found that one in five employers checked out job applicants on networking sites like Facebook before hiring them. What do you... -
[audio] You Now President Of Argentina
Posted: November 14th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
One In 4 Mammals In Jeopardy
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 7:30am EST
A new study shows that almost 25 percent of mammal species are in danger of going extinct. What do you think? -
Knicks Fans Discover Striking Palms Together Makes Uplifting And Appreciative Noise
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
NEW YORK—Following the Knicks' surprising 4-2 start, fans' instinctual boos have been interrupted by what many are referring to as "a... -
Cavaliers Declared NBA Champions As Basketball Knocks Off Early
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
NEW YORK—A happy, triumphant, and visibly relieved LeBron James accepted the 2009 NBA Championship trophy from commissioner David Stern at a small ceremony in New York Wednesday, just hours after the NBA announced that it would be canceling... -
Catchphrase From 'The Love Guru' Overheard
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 7:00am EST
ST. CLOUD, MN—A catchphrase from The Love Guru, comedian Mike Myers' latest film, which follows the exploits of a self-help mentor... -
[audio] Nebraska Lawmakers Ban Sex In Grain Elevators
Posted: November 13th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
I Meant To Vote, But You Know How It Goes
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 11:45am EST
Enclosure: [download]
Hola, amigos. How's it going with you? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya. I been trying get through a jungle of bullshit, but it... -
I Bet My 40s Are Totally Going To Rock
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 8:07am EST
Enclosure: [download]
You know what I'm really excited about? Turning 40! The Big Four-Oh. I've got one hell of a landmark birthday coming up, and I'm pumped! I may... -
Bush Tumbles Wildly Down Washington Monument Staircase
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 7:15am EST
WASHINGTON—President George W. Bush sustained 24 broken bones, massive internal hemorrhaging, and a severe concussion Monday after falling... -
Study: Bullies Enjoy Pain Of Others
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Brain scans showed activity in the pleasure centers of aggressive teens who were exposed to images of one person hurting another. What do you... -
[audio] Warren Buffett Finds 30 Million In Change In Couch
Posted: November 12th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
International Con Man Barack Obama Leaves U.S. With 85 Million In Campaign Fundraising
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 9:00pm EST
Enclosure: [download]
CHICAGO—"If you are reading this," said Obama's farewell note. "Then I have already left your silly country with a woman you have come to know as 'Michelle.'" -
Guy You Canvassed With Knows This Great Little Italian Canvassing Place
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 2:01pm EST
PHILADELPHIA—After 18 long months of nonstop canvassing, it would be nice, now that the election is over, to take a break from it all, and your fellow... -
Coworker Has That Excuse That's Going Around
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 10:00am EST
ANN ARBOR, MI—Digital Copy Shoppe employee Don Newson, 38, called in to work on Wednesday complaining that he was certain he had come down... -
Emanuel Calls For Auto Industry Bailout
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Rahm Emanuel, the chief of staff for the president-elect, is calling for a more rapid response to help the struggling auto industry. What do... -
[audio] Obama Vows To Wipe Out Llamas
Posted: November 11th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
[video] YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 7:00pm EST
Enclosure: [download]
YouTube is offering a cash prize to the first user to upload a video with a shred of originality or artistic merit. -
New Texas Legislation Would Require Whiskey Bottles To Be Shot Out Of Air Immediately After Being Emptied
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 10:10am EST
AUSTIN, TX—A new piece of legislation proposed yesterday on the floor of the Texas Legislature would require that all whiskey bottles be... -
Majority Of Americans Never Use Physical Education After High School
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 10:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—"My gym teacher used to drone on about 'physical well-being—breaking a sweat, coordination—I still don't know what that means," said Kevin Higgins. -
Spitzer Not Charged
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Disgraced former New York governor Eliot Spitzer will not be charged for his role in a recent prostitution scandal that brought down his... -
[audio] Area Man Traces Bad Eating Habits Back 6 Generations
Posted: November 10th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
[audio] Romantic Hostage Negotiator Offers Bank Robbers Moon And Stars
Posted: November 9th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
Kidnapped Boy Found Safe, Imagines Kidnapped Boy
Posted: November 8th, 2008, 9:00am EST
MENA, AR—Envisioning his parents, a warm blanket, and hot chocolate, a delirious Joshua Meyers mumbled, "It's over!" through the filthy sock stuffed in his mouth. -
[audio] God Returns From 2-Millennium-Long Vacation
Posted: November 8th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland -
Election Blog: Oy! The Americans 'ave Picked A President!
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 11:27am EST
Well bless my 'eart and call me Cromwell! The yank election 'as come to an end at last. Isn't it wonderful? A new leader across the pond. And... -
Circular Editor Makes Last-Minute Call To Run Fabric Softener As Top Coupon
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 10:00am EST
MONTVALE. NJ—In a crucial, 11th-hour decision for one of the tristate area's largest weekly bargain supplements, Pathmark circular editor in... -
Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 9:00am EST
Enclosure: [download]
WASHINGTON—"We feared we'd never see these majestic creatures again, but since their resurgence they've been acting like 'king shit'," said Wildlife Deputy Rowan Gould. -
'Jurassic Park' Author Dies
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 7:00am EST
Michael Crichton, author of Jurassic Park, Congo, and The Andromeda Strain, died Tuesday at 66. What do you think? -
[audio] Dead Whale Buried In Aquarium's Backyard
Posted: November 7th, 2008, 1:00am EST
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
