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I have so many questions about these moob holders from Japan. They have obviously been watching "Seinfeld." It's The Bro!
First of all, the dude in the ad doesn't even want to wear one. He's covering his chesticles in fear. Second of all, this is a fetish thing, right? Third of all, these are basically just women's bras put on manly mannequins. Fourth of all, I really, really love the Japanese.
This shit is almost better than The Manpon!
This B- list R&B singer just had her second abortion that her A list producer/singer boyfriend made her get. He says he doesn't want anymore kids and that if she wants to be with him then she needs to stay childless. I don't know if she is on birth control or not. I just know the details of what happened. She did get a nice $200,000 piece of bling after the first abortion. No word on what she got after this most recent one. (CDAN)
Ew. He should have bought her ass $100,000 in birth control pills and used the other $100,000 to buy his ass some condoms.
WHICH hit television show sidekick kicked an aspiring actress out of his cab after she refused to go to his apartment with him to "cuddle over milk and cookies"? (Page Six)
Dorota from "Gossip Girl"? Or Chuy from "The Chelsea Handler Show"? My one serious guess is Eric Mabius from "Ugly Betty"? And "milk and cookies" is not a delicious snack, right? It's probably some nasty ass sex act.
WHICH talk-show host has a flatulence problem so bad, he's said to have an assistant follow him around with an odor-vaporizing spray can? (Page Six)
Jay Leno? He looks like he has the farts in a bad way.
Which globally acclaimed band is on the verge of splitting up because the egomaniacal frontman hogs all the limelight? (3am Girls)
Coldplay?
This celebrity made quite an impact on Celebrity Rehab. He was a real challenge for Dr Drew. He and his girlfriend were at a celebrity event when they happened to meet a man and his wife who were huge fans of the rehabbed performer. The couples started chatting and our rehab guy was so flattered that he invited the pair over for dinner. When the admiring couple arrived at the celebrity’s house they were startled to see large nude photos of the girlfriend hanging on the walls. The “rehabber” offered the visitors wine and an array of pills! The guests were horrified but before they could leave the celebrity invited them to strip down for a “sexy swing session.” The frightened pair ran off without getting a chance to tell the celebrity that the woman was an ordained minister! (Janet Charlton)
Never ever step inside Jeff Conaway's house, unless you want to see a naked ass Vikki. And yes, that's my guess.
I feel like it's been a while since Posh brought her medicine ball chichis out to play. They look harder than ever! Her steel ball chichis are two dangerous weapons.
When Posh accidentally bumps into the shower door in her bathroom, the whole things shatters. She walks into a wall and leaves a huge hole in the sheet rock. She hugs one of her boys and he gets the wind knocked out of him. Becks tried to titty fuck her once and he ended up in the ER with a broken boner. Her dress straps broke shortly after these pictures were taken.
Don't ask me how her twig ass walks with those rock hard titties. Her spine must be made out of Tungsten.
Some dude with crazy running through his veins has been stalking and harassing Jennifer Garner since 2002. It's gotten so bad that Jennifer is afraid for the safety of herself and her family. She already has a restraining order against him, but her lawyers will go into court tomorrow and ask a judge to make it permanent.
TMZ got a hold of some documents that state her stalker Steven Burky follows her around the country, sends her creepy love letters and writes about her on the Internet. He once showed up on her front door and said, "God has sent him a vision of her being persecuted in some manner that may result in her death."
Jennifer said in the papers, "I now fear not only for my personal safety, but also for the safety and well-being of those that I love and care about most, including my husband and daughter. Also, I am currently pregnant and fear for the safety of my second child once born."
The LAPD is involved in the case. Sources tell TMZ that Seven Burky is currently under a 5150 psychiatric hold.
Jennifer Garner is one of the few boring oatmeal people that I actually don't mind. It's weird. Whenever I watch her in interviews, I try to say something bitchy, but the words don't come out of my mouth! And when I see her smile, I smile and that just makes me want to go take an Epsom salt bath.
Because I do like Jennifer Garner, I will do her a favor and legally change my name to "Jennifer Garner." We can trick her stalker into thinking I'm the real Jennifer Garner, so he can leave her alone for good. He's crazy. He won't know the difference. He's also kind of hot. Well, he is! Although, he will have to change the tone of his love letters. I just read a few of them on TMZ and he's going to need to write less about "visions" and more about dirty sexy things.
Wonky McValtrex and Benji Madden are reportedly no longer bumping ass warts which means they are out in the wild spreading their skank! While we're running for quarantine shelters, the bitches who make Valtrex are having a fun time parade! Their #1 converter is going back to work!
According to Star Magazine, Wonky quit Benji because he's too-controlling. When he found out that she was being gross with Nachos in Miami, he freaked out at her. Benji totally did the "smell the puss" test on her.
The source said, "She couldn't take his overbearing ways anymore. It was stressing her out. He can be very aggressive and he was just too much trouble. She felt she couldn't cut loose and party. He doesn't drink and doesn't think she should either. She felt too fenced in."
I think in Wonky-talk "fenced in" means that Benji wouldn't let other dudes space dock her.
Benji apparently is herpmatized, because he wanted a second chance from Wonky. "He fought for a second chance and asked if they could talk it out but Paris said she was done talking." That's because she probably already lined up two dozen rebound dicks.
You know that somewhere in the world Nicole Richie is eating her one chickpea lunch and screaming "Halleljuah" because she doesn't have to see Wonky's skank ass face at Madden gatherings anymore. It was bad enough that she had to play fake nice with her for the cameras.
And that's exactly what Suri Cruise thinks of this shit! Forbes.com came out with their second annual "Hollywood's 10 Hottest Tots" list and Suri came out on top. I think Pedo Bear co-sponsored this shit. I mean, "hottest"? Maybe they are referring to the fact that Suri's never wearing a jacket, so she must be hot literally. Unfortunately, that's not what they mean.
Forbes came up with their list by looking at each celebrity kid and how much media attention they get. Suri beat out all the Jolie-Pitt messiahs, because she was in more magazines and blogs than them. Only 3 out of the ten thousand Brangelina deities made the list: Shiloh, Pax and Zahara. Forbes will probably be shut down by the "powers above" next week for not including Brangelina's golden twins on that list.
Here's the Top 10:
1. Suri Cruise (daughter of Katie Holmes and Chris Klein Tommy Girl)
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (you know who her parents are)
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt (see above)
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt (see above)
5. Sam Alexis-Woods (daughter of Tiger Woods)
6. Cruz Beckham (son of Posh & Becks)
7. Matilda Rose Ledger (daughter of Michelle Williams & Heath Ledger)
8. David Banda (son of Vadge & Guy Ritchie)
9. SPF (son of Brit Brit & KFed)
10. Sam Sheen (daughter of Denise Richards & Charlie Sheen)
I can't wait for Forbes annual Sexiest Celebrity Fetuses list!
Source
Thanks Heather
The Original Wino was on a flight from Los Angeles to London when she got sick on the flight and needed some kind of medical attention. She probably ate the fish. Don't eat the fish.
Wino was sick enough for the pilot to ask for priority landing into Heathrow. When they arrived, medical bitches met her at the gate and immediately transported her ill ass to the hospital.
Her spokeswhore said this shit: "She did fall ill on a flight and as a precautionary measure, was taken to a hospital. She was there maybe an hour and was released. The bottom line is she is in good health."
Hmmm....let's go through the "Why was Wino Sick" checklist: Diarrhea? Naw. She watched "Autumn in New York" on the flight? Naw. The klepto in her made her swallow the first-class napkins? Possibly. Too many dolls? Ding ding ding!
Wait. Does customs and the drug dogs check your ass when you have to be taken to the hospital directly from the gate? The Original Wino is a genius drug mule!
Source
Eva LongWhoria is wearing her Spanx wrong. They really should be worn over her face!- Hollywood Tuna
Jenny Aniston and Gerry Butler are together, but not in that way - Just Jared
Marky Mark hates Scientology - Lainey Gossip
These bitches want to make pole dancing an Olympic sport (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Ellison takes staged candid pictures to the next level - Egotastic!
The dudes at the "Milk" premiere forgot to shave - Popsugar
Robert Pattinson talks about gay relationships - Towleroad
Megan Fox is pretty, David Silver not so much - IDLYITW
Enrique Iglesias got kicked out - Hollywood Rag
Who's the Camel Toe Queen? - Cityrag
HoHan and SamRo got into a fight in London last night over a big dick named Calum Best. That's what The Sun claims anyway. HoHan used to rub her worn-out kitty all over Calum's Gouda peen and the two met up again at a club. A source said HoHan and Calum danced together which made SamRo one angry lezzie. HoHan and SamRo apparently started fighting which ended in both of them leaving the club.
They got into the car together, but when they arrived back at their hotel, SamRo stormed off in a cloud of saw dust. You know, because lezzies like wood working and stuff. Yeah, the joke doesn't really work if I have to explain it in detail. Just give me an endearing look and continue eating your panini.
HoHan stayed behind in the car for around 10-minutes. One source said, "It was quite clear something was up. Lindsay had tears in her eyes as she left."
Okay, you know shit is bad when you're fighting about Calum Best! The douche isn't even hot when you look at him upside down while jacking it. Almost everyone is hot when your head and genitals are fighting for blood flow. Don't look at me that way!
Here's more of the weepy maybe bi-sexual last night. Wait. Is Calum Best wearing fur?! Where's that crazy French flour bomber when you need her?
The airbrushing fairies were once again hard at work on this promo for Brit Brit's new album "Circus." I don't think they even take pictures of Brit Brit anymore. They just have the CGI nerds come up with something, then they Photoshop the hell out of that shit, dust it with a little pork rind dust and voila! And is Brit wearing dog poo gloves?
I would've given this shit four Frapps if she was throwing sparkly Cheeto dust in the air instead of that green shit. That green dust is probably what comes out of her weave when she gets a blow out.
Since we're on the subject of my favorite Cheetoling, below is another promo from that "On The Record" documentary thing she did for MTV. This is my favorite quote: "People think that you go through something in life and you need to go to therapy. For me art is therapy, because it's like you're expressing yourself in such a spiritual way." ART?! Has Brit been toking again?
The hot piece that became a YouTube star by showing up Beyonce was on "The Bonnie Hunt Show" this morning. Beyonce probably offered to come on her show, but Bonnie said, "Hell naw! I want the real Sasha Fierce!" And that's what she got. Unfortunately, Shane Mercado didn't wear that sexy one piece number. It's daytime TV, I guess he had to keep it PG. He should have at least ripped off to reveal some cyborg nipple tassels or something. Beyonce has the cyborg glove, Sasha Fierce should have cyborg nipple tassels.
I can't embed the video, so click here to see Sasha Fierce in all her glory. You might want to put on some sunglasses when you watch this shit. It's full of glitter and I wouldn't want you to get any in your fragile eyes.
Thanks Robyn
A little old lady got a huge shock when she took a painting to be appraised on PBS' "Antiques Roadshow" in Palm Springs, CA. The memaw was given a 1937 painting by artist Clyfford Still as a housewarming gift by a friend almost 50 years ago. The friend was a student of Still's. Well, the painting turned out to be the best fucking housewarming gift ever, because it was appraised at $500,000!!! Memaw won the lottery! You know she did the Cabbage Patch when she found out.
The painting is the most expensive piece every appraised on the American version of the show.
Alasdair Nichol, the dude who appraised it, said it could be worth a lot more. Recently, a painting Still created 10 years later was sold at auction for $21 million. Oh hell no. I'm going to go through my mom's garage, rent a U-Haul and take everything down to the "Antiques Roadshow" to get appraised. My old ass Snoopy Sno-Cone machine has to be worth something.
The show's producer told The NY Post, "Clearly, the woman who brought this to us knew she had something special. She just didn't know how special it was."
That memaw better have called up the damn A-Team when she was told how much that shit is worth. Thieves were probably waiting to pounce on it! Damn. If I was there, I'd leave a trail of caramel squares from the venue to my car trunk. You know that memaw would fall for it! Then I'd snatch that treasure out of her hands and drive off! Well, she'd have a bunch of caramel squares and memaws love those things!
The $500,000 episode will air on PBS in January.
Which sexy singer, who pretends to be whiter than snow, was caught holding hands with another man? It will be the end of the married babe once her fella finds out. (3am Girls)
Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or Mimi? Or Beyonce?
This aging, but not old, former B list television actress from a very hit television show and sometime film actress from some very forgettable films is someone with B+ name recognition and a career that has had lots of stops and starts. One thing has been holding her back for years. She thought she found a way to solve the problem but it didn't work. She has always had an alcohol problem but now she has discovered a new best friend called meth. Her habit has got so bad that she cannot always wait for her dealer to come to her. Several times she has had to actually go out in her very conspicuous car and go make buys herself. (CDAN)
Betty White how could you?! My other guesses are Courtney Cox, Shannen Doherty (say it ain't so!) or Kristin Davis?
Guess which childhood star who is currently pregnant needs to be a bit more careful about what she injests? During a recent premiere, sources claim the actress was "totally high on something" and looked like a "junky". It gets worse. An INO reader claims the actress "could hardly keep her eyes open" when greeting the crowd. How very sad indeed! (I'm Not Obsessed)
How rude! Jody Sweetin? Although, I don't know if she's knocked up again. I'll guess Lisa Simpson?
Which celebrity is publically photographed hanging all over her boyfriend, but is secretly seeing others on the side? Being part of a celebrity couple doubles her exposure, so she likes being photographed with and being interviewed about her current beau. The truth is that, despite her very public declarations of love, their relationship is not going well, so she flees into the arms of old boyfriends on a regular basis. One of them has nicknamed her “Tweety” because she Twitters him constantly during the day. (Blind Gossip)
Duh. Wonky McValtrex? And they should call her Twatty not Tweety.
Which young actress is heading off to rehab for the first time? This one will come as a surprise to many, because unlike others of her generation, she does not have a reputation for being a party girl. However, her addiction to prescription drugs has escalated beyond control. She has disappeared for days at a time, returned home with mysterious bruises, and bailed from auditions and meetings at the last minute. She finally and reluctantly agreed to go to rehab when she was caught stealing a prescription pad from her doctor’s office. (Blind Gossip)
Little Jenny from "Gossip Girl??
There was a show back in the day called "Are You Hot?", which was basically "American Idol" for stupid sexy people. Rachel Hunter and the Empress of Lucite's ex-husband Lorenzo Lamas were judges. Sometimes the show had really hot people, but mostly it was a bunch of delusion fools who believed it when their parents told them they were gorgeous. Kim from "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" falls into the latter category.
Bitch was on the second episode of this shit show back in 2003 when she was 24! Seriously, she's 24 here! 24 and she still has hair made from the reject wig pile at the Mattel factory. Was she born with fake hair made of coughed up hairballs? Someone needs to find pictures of her as a child, because I will call it a fucking day if she wore a polyester mop on her head when she was a little girl.
Surprisingly, Kim got a unanimous NOT HOT from the judges. I've never wanted to clap for Lorenzo Lamas before in my life, but I have to give him a standing O for that shit. Below is the clip, but there's no time on it, so you have to FF through it if you really care. Watch Kim's hot dreams get crushed around halfway through it.
There are times when I'm laying on the couch, watching TV and I suddenly get the craving for something delicious, greasy and cheesy. I'm pretty much a lazy motherfucker, so instead of getting my ass up and using the phone or computer to order something to eat, I'll just eat my saliva and go without. Well, Domino's and Tivo have the answer to all my problems!
They are teaming up to allow lazy bitches like myself to order pizza through your Tivo! While you're fast forwarding through a Domino's commercial, an ad will pop up asking you if you'd like to order a pizza. You will most likely say "yes," which will direct you to a Domino's menu.
Now, there's a little problem. How is the pizza man going to get in? I guess I can become friendly with him and give him a key. That way I really don't even have to get up....EVER! I can even give him $1 to Fabreeze my ass down every now and again. Speaking of asses, how will I take care of that issue? I guess I'll just cross that shitty bridge when I get to it.
Now if Domino's could deliver one of (NSFW) these pizzas I'd really be fucking set for life!
Source VIA Gawker (Image of Banksy's Village Pet Store exhibit VIA Flickr)
Birthday: I'm guessing he's a Scorpio.
Age: ?
Birth Name: Champ? I've known 3 Golden Retrievers named Champ!
Original Date of HS of the Day: November 16, 2008
Claim to Fame: Toby is best known for his amazing scooting skills in the Stanley Steemer commercial.
Where is he now? Hopefully he's at the vet getting his ass looked at for worms.
Why is he HS of the Week? I feel like Toby is part of my fucking family. I watch TV all day and his commercial comes on at least half a dozen times. Every time the boy says "Check out Toby's new trick," I stop what I'm doing, watch, laugh and think to myself, "That Toby!" Each time. Commercial below:
OMG. I really, really, really need to find a way to join Prince Hot Ginge's regiment - Towleroad
Alien Princess RiRi humping on a car in her new video - Just Jared
Jessica Simpson is right where she belongs - IDLYITW
Chris Klein is looking like the creepy high school janitor who child touches on the side - Lainey Gossip
Breaking! Mimi goes to the beach and doesn't wear a bikini! - Popsugar
ScarJo and her titty balls in Allure - Egotastic!
Angie Jo wears pissed on dresses - Hollywood Rag
Chloe Sevigny in a bikini (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jessica Simpson's puffy butt lips are back - Hollywood Tuna
The new Coney Island is really gross - Cityrag
Source
SPOILER ALERT! There were a few rumors going around that Brenda Walsh would take her last breath on an upcoming episode of "90210," but I don't believe those lies. Brenda Walsh can never die. It says so in the bible. It also says this in the dictionary. Look up the word impossible and the definition is: Brenda Walsh dying.
According to OK! Magazine, Brenda comes back to town in tonight's episode and tells that dumb bitch Kelly Taylor that she slept with her man! Brenda also ends up in the hospital, because of fertility issues or some shit. She finds out that she can't have kids. Like Brenda was going to have any! She's a woman of the world! She doesn't have time to deal with brats! And she's going to live forever, so she doesn't have to worry about another ho continuing her legacy. She can do that herself.
I'm hoping that while Brenda's in the hospital, the surgeons can go in and see what's going on with her heart area. I mean, they need to check if she has one, because she's been kind of uncharacteristically nice to Kelly Taylor. Brenda shouldn't have one of those heart things. Yeah, she did Kelly's man, but that's not enough! She should have kept fucking him until Kelly was completely destroyed. Kelly deserves to cry in her eyes for what she did to Brenda.
Here's that dumb bitch Kelly thinking she's Grace Kelly with her husband at the "Twilight" premiere last night.
Supposedly, Wonky McValtrex's war zone snatch belongs to Benji Madden, because they are all in love or some shit. Well, the other night in Miami, Wonky was back to doing what she does best: being a complete whorebag!
According to Star Magazine, Wonky reunited with Nachos at a party in Miami. Benji was nowhere around. One nosy whore told Star, "Paris and Stavros were all over each other. They were at the same table for about an hour and then they left together. It didn't seem like Benji was on her mind at all!"
Well, well, well, once a cum vac, always a cum vac! I never bought her new cleaned up image. She's a dumb bitch whore through and through. And she's not the good kind of dumb bitch whore either. Don't confuse her with classy skanks like Sienna Miller and Aubrey O'Day (HA!). Wonky is a bottom of the barrel busted bitch! She would probably lick her own butt raisin off a soggy peen. Nasty bitch! And yes, I'll tell you how I really feel.
If Nachos wants to get struck by Wonky's herp lightning again, then that's probably a good thing. It's better that they keep their genital fleas in one circle. I still don't understand why dudes want to do her. Wouldn't a dude rather just stick his dick in a jelly fish. It would be less painful and the wounds would eventually heal.
Below are a few pictures of Wonky and Nachos being gross in Miami. Nachos looks like he just fucking swallowed Wino's goody drawer.
Henry the dog is thinking: "I really shouldn't be seeing this shit." I have to agree with Henry. International supermodel Phoebe Price is the reason why I open up my Safari browser in the morning, but this is too much information. To quote Valerie Cherish, "Note to self: After a long day at work, I don't want to see that!"
My gutter trash mind automatically replaces the long, pink straw with a "you know" and those milkshake drops get replaced with a load of "no comment." I do not like cream with my cutlets! That said, the picture above just became my iPhone wallpaper. Well, I'm a devoted Chickenloonie and I like feeling uncomfortable.
Here's PP doing dark-sided things with a milkshake at Millions of Milkshakes last night.
Yes, the horrific word "uncool" is still haunting my day and night dreams. Although, my mom almost killed the word for me yesterday. I was talking on the phone with her and she said, "Did you hear that Jennifer Aniston said Angelina was unnice?" Ha. WTF is unnice?! I didn't correct her, because I secretly thanked for not saying that word! I already hear it enough in my head.
Anyunnice, here's Angie Jo and Brad Pitt leaving their hotel in London today. They look like a worn out Boris & Natasha in dire need of a Calgon bath.
Ty Ty once again played fairy godawfulmother to Isis King by surprising her with a sex change surgery on her talk show!
Oprah is totally going to show Ty Ty up by making "vajayjays" her favorite thing this year. Everyone gets a vajayjay! Check under your seat!
In an episode airing tomorrow, Ty Ty introduces Isis, who was the first ever tranny contestant on"America's Next Top Model," to Dr. Marci Bowers. Dr. Marci is a top sex change surgeon who has gone through that shit herself. Dr. Marci agreed to do Isis' snip and roll surgery for free.
The surgery costs like $35k or some shit, so Isis has never been able to afford it. She said, "This is not happening! I feel like I'm about to wake up."
Well, Isis, don't get too happy, because Ty Ty is never going to let you forget this. Isis will find this out for herself when she wakes up from surgery feeling so happy that she has a vagina now. Isis is going to glance down at her shiny new labia lips and see the tattooed words: A GIFT FROM TY TY. NEVER FORGET.
VIA UsWeekly
This is apparently Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland."
It's like Tim Burton took Edward Scissorhands, Willy Wonka, Sweeney Todd, Ichabod Crane, threw them all into a Cuisinart, added a sprinkle of Ziggy Stardust, a zest of Helena Bonham Carter and pressed pulse.
Tim Burton must have stock in Johnson & Johnson, because the bitches in his movies are always covered in Baby Powder. I pray that the Crackie of Camden never stumbles onto the London set of this movie, because she will try to cut up and snort everyone!
You know, this is exactly how I expected Johnny as Burton's Mad Hatter to look. I was hoping Tim Burton would do something different and make Johnny do the whole movie completely naked. Well, naked except for a floppy top hat, of course. Now that's what I call art!
And yes, I'd still hit it. If I blink my eyes really fast, Johnny kind of looks like Carrot Top in Geisha make-up and that's always been a fantasy of mine.
VIA Coming Soon
Heidi Klum with a big tranny bow on her back and other fucked up lingerie concoctions from the Victoria's Secret fashion show - Egotastic!
Ryan Phillipe in a douche uniform - Popsugar
Speaking of douches, here's Mario Lopez at the beach - Lainey Gossip
Breaking! Aubrey O'Day goes outside without Ginger - Hollywood Tuna
Paul Rudd gives "SNL" their gayest episode of the season - Towleroad
Miley's pedo-boyfriend is an "option" - Just Jared Jr.
Who in their right (or wrong) mind would take marriage advice from Vadge?! Oh wait. Brit Brit might.... - Hollywood Rag
Ryan Gaycrest doesn't care about dead people (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather
Jessica Biel is a stripper - IDLYITW
There's a new domino toppling record! - Cityrag
For those of you that can look at ass crack while at work, the uncensored version is after the jump. JUMP!!!
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This past weekend, two reality show dick bags found themselves in handcuffs after acting the fool at two different bars. First up we have Ace from "Survivor Gabon."
Ace Gordon was voted off to jail on early Sunday morning for getting into a drunken fight at a bar which ended in him hitting a woman and fighting with the cops. So he's a dick off-screen as well as on!
It all started at a bar in Naples, FL where Ace was thrown out of for being a grouchy drunk and getting violent with a chick. The cops were called to take him off to the slammer. Ace resisted arrest and told them he was "famous." Yeah, because that always works. Ace was released later in the day.
I want to slap myself in the nuts for having a crush on Ace. I know, I know. While everyone was off slobbering over Marcus' floppy peen, I was secretly getting tingly in the private area over Ace and his giant dwarf-looking head. I always get the sexy feeling for the dick bags who can't hold their liquor!
Now on to Mary Delgado! On the sixth season of "The Bachelor," Byron picked Mary and the two went off to live in dysfunctional hell. Mary is sort of known for boozing and brawling. She was already busted a while ago for punching Byron in the face. Well, TMZ says she was back behind bars on Saturday for getting tanked and acting like a bitch at Lorina's Cantina in Del Rio, Texas.
The bar called the police because Mary would not leave. She told them it was her "constitutional right" to be there. I love that shit!!!! That's the fucking best excuse ever. I learn all the good shit from reality stars. The next time a bartender complains that I'm too drunk, I'm going to say, "I've never been drunk in my life. I'm a businesswoman. Furthermore, it is my constitutional right to be there."
You have to fight for your constitutional right to paaaaaaartay!
When the cops arrived, Mary became even more annoying. She was thrown into a cop car, which didn't have a backseat cage, and started kicking at the radio. Maybe she didn't like the song that was playing?
Mary was later bailed out of the clink by her battered boyfriend Byron.
You know, Mary needs to leave Byron and become the next "Bachelorette." This kind of drunk ass behavior needs to be documented on a reality TV show. Shame on Mary for doing this shit without cameras rolling!
I miss the Prince of the past who used to sing about nasty shit and parade his beautiful bare ladyboy ass around the stage like a power bottom at a Palm Springs bath house. Now that Prince is a Jehovah's Witness and has found God, you won't ever see him flexing his nalgas for you while performing some of his dirty songs. And don't even think of ever seeing him do any of that shit at a gay pride parade. Prince does not approve of homoness. God told him so.
When the New Yorker asked the beautiful ladyboy about his thoughts on gay marriage and adoption, Prince "tapped his bible" and said, “God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was, like, ‘Enough.’ ”
Wait! So that person who busted in on me in the garage blowing my neighbor in the 6th grade was God?! I thought it was my mom!
Prince may not agree with gay shit, but he should try explaining that to his ruffed shirt. That ruffled shirt is a butt fucker if I ever saw one. Actually, after he said that shit, his ruffled shirt and all his other extremely gay clothes and shoes quit that bitch to go protest against Prop 8. Prince has an empty closet now.
VIA The Blotter
Obviously Brooke Shields hasn't received her "I'm Sowwy" Vermont Teddy Bear from ABC for canceling her show "Lipstick Jungle," because she still believes they haven't been flushed down the toilet just yet.
At some event in NYC last night, Brooke told UsWeekly, "They thought that because My Own Worst Enemy has been shut down that the same thing had happened to us, and it's not true. They're not breaking down the sets. We’re still working. We still have more to do, so it's erroneously presented that we’ve been canceled, thank God. Our bosses are saying, 'You’re not canceled, don’t worry. We’re just trying to figure out how to make this make sense.'"
Brooke downed a jumbo delusiontini and went on to say, "I mean, we're basically No. 1 if you look at DVR. And you look at all that. So the public is watching it. They just need to figure out how to reconcile advertisers' money because the advertisers don't want you fast forwarding commercials."
Brooke is going to be one of those bitches who despite being unemployed is still going to get up in the morning, shower, dress, go to work and sit in front of her closed down studio all day long. She'll sit there all perky-like, texting her friends with, "I'm sooo busy at work. Miss u!"
And I'm going be one of those crazy bitches who will always believe that "Lipstick Jungle" is canceled. When their 100th episode airs, I'll still be screaming, "That a mirage you're watching! That show got canned years ago!"
Matthew McConaughey is at the beach....and he's wearing a shit (typo, but it stays). How is this even possible? I would think that the sea breezes would blow that shirt right off of his body. And if that didn't happen, the seagulls would tear it off him. This shit just looks so unnatural and wrong.
If I saw a laughing MiserAlba riding on a flying Spaghetti Cat through a rainbow coming out of Tommy Girl's ass, I wouldn't even blink an eye. Now that I've seen McConaughey wearing a shirt at the beach, anything is possible.
Below is McConaughey proving the impossible at the beach with his dog friend. I also added some pictures of Pamela Anderson wearing her signature loony bin scrubs for all the dirty snatch lovers out there.
Below is a video of a bunch of furry pussies playing in a laundry basket. Below that are some pictures of Kim KardASSIAN and her HoneyBaked hams on the beach in Miami with one of her sisters and that Kristin bitch from "Laguna Beach."
So which group of pussies are worthy of your attention? I don't think I even need to ask. I'm going to go ahead and declare a landslide winner: KITTENS WIN!
SCORE: Kittens = 1 , Celebwhores = 0
Sasha Fierce pounced into "SNL" last night to perform that "Singles Ladies (Put A Cock Ring On It)" song and she looked like a greedy, high-powered 80s businesswoman who was too busy worrying about an upcoming corporate takeover to realize that she forgot to wear the bottom part of her Claude Montana suit.
Sasha Fierce is also not going to be happy to learn that her dancers were fucking taking the shine off of her and I don't mean that in a good way. I couldn't take my eyes off of the blondie dancer who looked like she was freshly plucked out from her day job as sweater folder at J.Crew and thrown on stage with Sasha Fierce.
Sasha needs to replace those tricks with this bitch below. I've shown this shit before, but it's time for an encore! Actually, Sasha would never share a stage with homegirl right here, because the lights would immediately go out and all spotlights would shine on him. I'm having a hard time calling Beyonce Sasha Fierce, because this is the real Sasha Fierce right here. Who's going to let Beyonce know that the spirit of Sasha Fierce has bounced out of her body and shimmied into the glittery hole of this hot piece?
BONUS! - Click here to see Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg tuck their junk into leotards for a skit with Beyonce. Justin sucks at playing queeny, but the douche has legs.
BONUS, PART II! - Click here to see Sasha Fierce perform "If I Were A Boy." Those titties were aching to free themselves from that tape and jump out of that dress. Sasha wouldn't have noticed because she was too busy exuding raw emotion into her performance. I also love the fan towards the end of her performance. I wish it would have blown her ass right off the stage.
A fur-hating crazy bitch dropped a flour bomb all over HoHan in Paris on Friday night (click here for video) and SamRo has come to her lezzie lover's defense. SamRo put on her nut stompin' combat boots, rolled up her flannel shirt and blogged about the whole thing. SamRo loves fur! This is sort of breaking news, because does this mean that HoHan is growing out her busted Sphynx kitty?
Here's some of the shit SamRo wrote. This is the Cliff Notes version, but you can click here to read the whole post:
PETA should focus their efforts on educating people on what they believe are injustices instead of seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days late from the PETA folks (the blog removal was too little too late) and today I'm pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it's an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I would have more respect for them if they didn't use other people to get their point across. Lindsay, Mary Kate, Ashley Olsen, Anna Wintour and the rest of the targeted celebrities aren't the problem, I'm pretty sure they're not the only ones wearing fur, in fact, they should be appreciated by PETA for giving them a target. If it weren't for them, who would get them press????? (MK Note: Peta just spontaneously combusted)I know I'm probably going to get a lot of angry emails in response, but I don't really care. I got enough last week for no reason so I'm more than happy to ignore the nastiness after seeing what I saw last night. I'm not about to throw on a fur coat in retaliation, but had I had one within reach, I'm not sure I would have walked away from it.
p.s. when was the last time you saw an animal attack one of its own in defense of a human? hmmmmm..... that's one to grow on!
p.s.s. i think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. nice job, lady.
You know that night she totally threw a "fur coat" on her tongue! And she loooooved, looooved it!
P.S. - For SamRo's information, my pooch has been known to bite at another dog for giving me the side-eye. Okay, it's never really another dog, but one of his stuffed toys. And they usually don't give me shade, they just lay there and my dog likes to bite at them. But still! That counts.
P.P.S. - It's not like the crazy bitch threw a Duncan Hines cake mix, with 2 cups of water and 2 eggs on HoHan. It was just fucking flour! And now I really want some cake.
Here's HoHan and SamRo doing stuff in Paris. HoHan is missing something in these pictures. Missing a big load of white flour on her head!
I never really thought about if Wanda Sykes likes to suck on the peen or the clitty, but now that she's declared her gayelleness, everything makes sense now. I had one of those "now that you mention it...." moments.
Anygayelle, raise your strap-ons and rejoice through the aisles of Home Depot, Wanda Sykes is a big ole' lezzie! You can call her Wanda Dykes from now on! Sorry, it was the first thing I thought of. Yes, I'm eternally 12. Just like Mimi!
At the Las Vegas Prop 8 Really yesterday, Wanda shouted to the audinece, "I LOVE LICKIN' THE LABIA AND PROUD OF IT!" No, she really said, "You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life. Everybody that knows me personally they know I'm gay. But that's the way people should be able to live their lives."
When Prop 8 passed in California, Wanda felt like she was attacked and so she's speaking out about her life now. "Now, I gotta get in their face. I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay." She forgot the "proud to be a funny person" part, because she stills makes me laugh until my peen hole queefs.
Wanda married her wife on October 25th. She was married to a dude back in the old days, but they divorced in 1998.
Go Wanda! I just want to give her a big lesbian hug (it involves lots of titties rubbing together)!
It's your turn, Mah Boo Anderson Cooper. Now, I don't mean he needs to come out as a big shiny homo. But it's about times he figures out that I'm alive, declares his undying love for me and promises to make me his child bride (I am younger than him).
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Toby the scooting dog from the Stanley Steemer commercials! Watch below to see Toby's new trick!
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Kanye West pressed the CAPS lock key on his MacBook Air and put his fingers to work today on a blog rant dedicated to the paparazzi and their SQUID BRAINS. His entire post is after the jump, but it's a lot to take in. When I start to read a Kanye post, I have to massage my temples, give them a pep talk, play some Enya, light some incense and carefully go in. If I don't do all that shit, my eyes will have seizures and my one working brain cell will start burping uncontrollably.
Since I'm learning to read fluent Kanye CAPS Rant (it's a new language), let me break it down for you. Kanye explains his arrest in the UK on Friday. Basically, he was coming out of a club and one pap was getting up in his life. So Kanye put his hand up to cover up the dude's camera lens and in all the chaos, the camera accidentially hit the pap's nose. Kanye left, but the police came to get his ass at his hotel later on. They told him that they had to arrest him, because a complaint had been filed, but they're pretty sure it's just some dumb publicity stunt. No charges were filed and he was released, but Kanye thinks the damage is done, because every media outlet only focused on him getting arrested.
He believes that a law should be passed, forcing the a pap to get permission from their subject before taking a picture. Basically.
Oh, Kanye. I just want to take him into my kitchen, search my cupboard for that old box of Peeps I have from last Easter and give him half. Even old Peeps make everything okay. Especially if you dip that shit in fucking vodka. I'm not joking.
Anyranty, Kanye's entire post is after the jump. You might feel like he's yelling at your ass and you have to go stand in the corner for a time out after reading it. JUMP!!!!
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HELL YES! It's the fucking star of my tween wet dreams: Tom Selleck. Yes, I know, my therapist has already talked to me about that point in my life. Anyway, who cares about that! It's Tom Fucking Selleck! One of the only hot pieces who can make genitals explode with just a twitch of his stache. Yes, I also spoke to my therapist about that issue as well. I got it covered.
This is exactly who the paparazzi should be spending their time on! Hopefully, when they were finished with Tom they went off to find Charlene Tilton, Patricia McPherson, Pamela Sue Martin, Ami Foster and Andrea Barber. These are the bitches I want to see more of!
Here's more of Tom actually getting paparazzi attention at LAX yesterday.
Joy Behar filled in for Larry King last night, he was off hunting for the souls of children, and she had the unofficial Mrs. Rojo Caliente on her show to talk about the gay marriage ban. I've been majorly strung out, looking for a Rojo fix, so this helped to ease the pain. I watched it last night, focusing on Mrs. Rojo's lips and thinking, "those things have felt the heat of The Rojo!" I'm jealous. On a serious note, Mrs. Rojo is smart in the brains and made some good points.
Also, in a few minutes a huge National protest against Prop 8 begins in every state. Run your ass over there now! And look hot, because there's going to be cameras. Click here to get info for the nearest rally if you're interested in going.
It's a good thing the paps caught Hugh Jackman making this face while trying to be all sexy in Australia. Now if you ever get the chance of doing fucky times with him, you know to either put a pillow case over his head, shut your eyes or let him hit in the back before he busts one and makes an O face. I'm pretty sure this is what his "Ooooh, I'm cumming" face looks like.
A busted O face can completely ruin a perfectly good fuck. There have been times when I have farted from laughing so hard at someone's LOL-O-FACE. Fugly O face + after-sex fart = Let's not do this again!
Hugh's face kind of looks like Chris Klein getting his floppy peen slammed in a drawer.
Here's more of Hugh and his trainer causing a massive sea creature circle-jerk while going for a morning swim on Bondi Beach in Sydney today.
The newest Mr. Vadge was at the opening of the Fontainebeau Grand in Miami last night with Fishsticks Paltrow, who was probably dispatched there by Vadge herself to keep tabs on her shit. Fishy is giving him a look letting him know that she's got her fish eyes on him. Or maybe she's just making that look because she's fucking starving after not eating for 12-hours straight! Or maybe she's concentrating on using her yoga-produced muscles to keep that tampon dress up. Concentrate harder, Fishy! No one wants to see your gills!
You know, I wish Vadge would quit with this A-Rod shit. Why can't she just go out and do a bunch of slut bag shit? Fuck being with just one dude! Her roided-up vagina needs to be loosened up. Doesn't she get tired of listening to the annoying sound of her vagina gritting its teeth? It's so fucking wound up and needs a good long month of just slutting around. Oh well.
While Fishy watched A-Rod in Miami, Vadge and Lourdes were out in Los Angeles last night. Not only does she needs to drop A-Rod, but she needs to drop that old bag too! The old bag she's carrying I mean. Yes, you could sell me a million times over and still not have enough money to buy a bootleg version of that bag on eBay, but it's still fugly!
And in the first thumbnail below, is that orange gum in A-Rod's mouth? He must have not gotten to rule #4,567 in Vadge's employee handbook. It clearly states that all chewing gum must be made from organic herbs and sticky smegma from her cooch.
HoHan was making her way into the VIP Room in Paris last night when someone busted a huge white load all over her. And it wasn't jizz! It wasn't coke either! It was fucking flour. Yeah, the crap you makes pies with and shit. The flour got all over the dead furry animal laying over HoHan's greasy ass shoulders. The bitch who busted the load shouted, "Lindsay Lohan, fur hag!" Wait. Rewind. I thought the Olsen trolls already took that title?
The HBIC of Peta Europe issued this statement about the whole thing: "There is nothing remotely 'fashionable' about the torture and death of animals killed for fur. Lindsay Lohan might be able to ignore images of bloody animals skinned alive for their pelts, but we hope a dash of flour will help her rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all."
HoHan has had worse things explode on her, so I'm sure she really didn't give a fuck. HoHan and SamRo probably thought it was a fucking coke bomb and started snorting that shit up like hungry anteaters.
The gross part of this whole story is that there aren't any pictures of this beautiful flour bukkake moment. BOO! The next time a bitch decides to drop a flour load all over HoHan, they better get pictures, video and run a live feed. I'd even buy tickets to that show.
UPDATE: Click here to see the flour rain all over HoHan. HA! Apparently the owner of the club vacuumed the flour off her ass, so she could go out and pose for the pictures below. It would've been faster if they told her the flour was really booger sugar. She would have cleaned that mess up in 10-seconds flat.
Irene Olga Lopez - The personnel woman from one of the greatest films ever made "Showgirls." She's the one who asks Nomi if her family is deceased (I love the way she says deeceesed). And she also asks Nomi about her stupid social security number!
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It looks like the beat down of the century isn't going to happen or at least it's on hold for now. Lisa Wu Hartwell of "The Real Housewives of Atlanta" told Essence that she's not going to rip off Kim's wig and shove it down her throat so we don't have to hear her rhino warble anymore. Lisa said the shit went down after Kim told other bitches that Lisa is a crack whore.
Lisa says, "She said I was a crack whore and that's the reason I don't have my kids [her sons with Keith Sweat]. Not only did she lie and insult me, but she insulted my children and my integrity. I have never done drugs in my life. I am a businesswoman."
I love that. I'm going to start using that shit. When I'm asked if I'm drunk, I'll respond, "No! I've never been drunk in my life. I'm a businesswoman!" When my friend accuses me of sleeping with their man, I'll say, "Hell no! I don't do things like that. I'm a businesswoman!" It works for everything.
Lisa went on to say, "She was on the set of Demi Moore's new film "The Joneses," which costars David Duchovny and Chris Williams. and the "Real Housewives of Atlanta" cast was invited to star in as extras. I declined, but she and Sheree went. She didn't realize the people she said this to about me were friends of mine. I'm a businesswoman-an actress, writer and producer of movies-and to have her making up lies about me to people I could potentially work with one day is crazy! She said those things in front of Demi Moore."
Oh no! What will Tater Head's mom think? Don't worry, Lisa. She knows you're a businesswoman.
Lisa also denied that she ever threatened to kill Kim or that a restraining order is out against her. "The weird thing is when I spoke to Kim she said, 'Lisa, this is water under the bridge.' And then now I find out she's claiming that she fears for her life. I wonder if all of this was staged. She knows how I feel about my kids and if anyone were to insult them it would strike a nerve. Again, I didn't threaten this woman and I only made one call to her and absolutely no text messages. If I did, don't you think they would have shown it on TMZ.com?"
Kim denies calling Lisa a crack whore and she also denies filing a restraining order.
Fuck. This was all a stupid fucking publicity stunt to promote the show, right? Bamboozled again! First by John Travolta and now by Kim and her broken down welfare wig! NeNe owes me big time. She better throw a hot tub party and only invite Mah Boo and me.
And even if it is a dumb stunt, can Lisa please throw her dumb morals out the window and beat down Kim just for fun?
Have you ever been sitting on the toilet, wishing there was something jiggling your ass? Well, Johnny Henry of Laurel, Mississippi has the shit for you! Johnny is all happy with himself for inventing a vibrating toilet seat. That could be a lot of fun or just a big shitty mess. Johnny invented the buttcheek bouncer because he “wanted to add some life to the otherwise lifeless toilet seat.”
Johnny, who is currently working on getting his novelty product out there, said, “I wanted to create something that is a little unusual. This invention is designed to stimulate. It’s to make you feel good while you are there."
Yeah, I don't know how this would work for you exactly? I mean, it could jiggle the ass cookies out of you faster. And if you put your genitals on the seat, you could add a little cream to your lemonade. On the other hand, it could cause you to spray everywhere. Now if he added a dildo attachment, I'd empty my piggy bank for this shit! Pack it in and then push it out!
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Thanks Momus
Today on one of my favorite serious legal shows "Judge Alex" they had a case about something that is near and dear to me: eyebrows! Sharon Rivers (above) was suing Joy Tran for emotional distress for fucking up her eyebrows. Sharon paid Joy $180 to tattoo some "dreamy" eyebrows on her beautiful face. But Sharon claims Joy fucked it up by making them purple and lopsided.
I do not see a problem. This is the way all eyebrows should look. Sharon should empty out her checking account and give ever last cent to Miss Tran for turning her into the owner of two ravishing brows! I would get the same kind of eyebrows, but my face is not precious enough to carry off that look.
In the end, the sexy Judge Alex awarded Sharon $5000! Sharon needs to take that money and donate it to the "People in Need of Gorgeous Chola Eyebrows" fund! Judge Alex also denied Miss Tran's countersuit. Miss Tran sued Sharon for $900 for wasting her time. HA! Miss Tran is really fucking hot.
Below is a little clip of Sharon pleading her case to Judge Alex. My favorite part is when she says to the bailiff, "Would you go date me with eyebrows like this?" Um...I'm pretty sure that if she had a vagina over each eye, he still wouldn't go out with her. I'm joking! She's beautiful.
And I'm just reminding you that I'm hopped up on meds, so everything is fucking entertaining to me at this point.
That puss tart Johnny Travolta got me! I actually believed that he got rid of the dead beaver that sat on his head. I mean, the other day he looked as bald as HoHan's punane and now he's back to wearing plugs or Tommy Girl's pubic hair on his head. He was obviously wearing a bald cap the other day. Unless, he planted some barley seeds on his head, Xenu pissed on it and hair magically grew! With or without hair, he still looks like he's ready for a cum fart to the face.
Here's Tommy's scissor sister promoting that dumb "Bolt' movie in NYC this morning.
It could be the Duane Reade flu liquid caps talking, but this video has me fucking mesmerized. I feel this dog is trying to tell me something really damn important. Timmy's stuck in the well? Rojo Caliente's strap-on is stuck in Cynthia? I don't know, but I've been watching it over and over again.
This is also how I act after I've had too many Kamikaze shots.
Thanks Edan
